Life after Loss

There is life before. And then there is life after. It's the only way I can think of it in my head to describe how life has changed. There was the me before, who was oblivious that babies died. Then there is the me, who realizes just how many mom's go home from the hospital with empty arms.

Once you have experienced a loss, you are never the same. You can never just go on with your life and think that if you get pregnant again that there will be no fear attached. You will always be afraid, you will always be anxious at ultrasounds, you will always stress about things that don't seem possible to a woman who hasn't lost a baby. There is no getting around it. Sometimes the fears are little, sometimes big.

I've had 2 miscarriages at 12 weeks. My daughter who I will call BabyLove1 was born too soon at 22 weeks. We spent 3 precious hours with her before she went to Heaven. Her brother, BabyLove2, was born 11 months later at 36 weeks into my pregnancy. We were told during pregnancy that he had heart defects, but they would be fixed with surgery. When he was born there were other defects, and he passed at 4 days old. I never thought I would get pregnant again. I never wanted to. I was terrified.

18 months later I had our Rainbow. She spent 2 weeks in the NICU from complications from my diabetes, but she is beautiful and healthy now. 4 years later we are now TTC again. Are we crazy? Maybe. This is our journey.